From Without

I’m always on the verge of stepping into this different side of life. Too excited to step in and equally terrified. I’ve been without more times than I’ve been within. And thoughts of going back are ever present in my head because I don’t know which side to trust; which side is life and which isn’t.

I stand without and gaze at a life so inviting, but again, I’m too much inside my head, thinking: is it worth it? is it what I want? All I know is that I’m tired and it’s lonesome on this side, but somehow this is not enough because I’ve always known how to be alone, and I’ve never known how to be with you. I’ve never known how to be on the other side.

I stand without until it becomes unsettling. I’m afraid to step into your side, but I want to trust you, and I want you to reach out your hand to me. Will you?

This is my paradox that has grown with me, within me; my reason for alienating myself and the very same reason I want to belong. Will I ever learn to be with you?

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4 am.

Everyone’s resided in a kingdom of dreams and nightmares. My eyes remain wide open, for I don’t usually visit that kingdom at this particular time. I’m awake and accompanied by thoughts. They’re my company, but why do they keep telling me that I’m lonely?!

Perhaps I’m not so lonely; I have the moon, the stars, and the dawn. I love them, they are marvelous, and they keep me company. How could I be alone when I have them?! And I’m certain that they’ll never leave before I do. So, am I really lonely?

Perhaps I’m in love with the tranquility of this time of the day. It is the perfect time to wander into the limitless iridescent worlds your mind creates; the worlds where you are your real self with no faces, no fake smiles, and no false images. You just feel like you’re the only person on earth, and though your thoughts would tell you it’s lonely, and though you might feel it is, and you wish you had someone you love with you, it is also beautiful and peaceful.

At 4 am, you either be asleep or you be at a different kind of world.